**Disclaimer; this post was written the beginning of May, but due to legal reasons I was not able to post until now. Therefore, some information may be slightly outdated.
Minions, It's been said that if you can't laugh about your problems, you'd probably cry. I don't know if this necessarily applies to your lives (I hope for your sake that it doesn't), but it sure as f**k applies to mine. I suppose I really should be thankful, since I wouldn't have this uber successful blog if it wasn't for my stupid/ironic/unlucky life but still, sometimes things just start to go too well, so life has to come around and bite you right in the ass.
Take Memorial Day weekend for example. As you may or may not know, I spend half my life in the wonderful state of Pennsylvania, and the weekends in the, umm...well...weekends I spend in Virginia. I'm currently mad at Virginia, so it gets no adjectives.
The weekend started out normal. I tricked the 3 year old I baby-sit for into turning around so I could make a mad dash to my car, where I had a Full Throttle energy drink, and some beef jerky already waiting for me. Minions, it always pays off to plan ahead!
Well, about ten minutes into my trip all these lights went on,
and my car died on the road. I don't really want to get into the details, because it was scary and it totally sucked, but basically I'm going to use the art of foreshadowing right now by telling you that I would have my foot on the floor and my car would not go above 10MPH.
Never one to admit defeat, however, I finagled a way to use my tiptronic to make the journey to Virginia despite the fact that **I'd lose control, and my car would shake uncontrollably if I went near the 80MPH mark....and 80MPH was the fastest my car was capable of driving** How I was able to make the trip is not important, it's just important to note that I am awesome and when it comes to Rinny vs. technology I WIN!
The next day I spent $70 and four hours in the waiting room at Volkswagen for them to tell me they found nothing wrong with my car. (This would be a good time to read or re-read my post about how my car wants me to be sent to the "relaxation home"). Since I didn't want to spend $600 for them to fix what they (and I quote) "think could possibly be causing the issue" I figured I'd just suck it up for a while and not *drive above 80MPH* . I could live with that for the time being.
The rest of the weekend totally sucked because I had severe anxiety about getting back to Pennsylvania with my car being in the state it was in, but eventually I had to suck it up, shift my car into tiptronic mode, and pray that my car made it back to Pennsylvania without further incident.
Again, ten minutes into my trip my luck went sour. Now it's important to note that I usually embellish my stories, but for legal reasons, this part is completely factual, and happened in the style of Final Destination;
In my rear view mirror, I saw a car approaching rather hastily, so I changed lanes (into the right lane) so they could pass. Right after I changed lanes the 18 wheeler in front of me jammed on his brakes, causing me to slam on mine. That's when I saw the state trooper pull out from his post. Now it is also important to note that the trooper pulled out onto the highway BEFORE I crossed his path, and I laughed at the poor sucker that he was after. Well the trooper slowed and got behind me and stayed there for a while. OK I thought, maybe his shift was over and he was returning to his office. But then his lights went on. At that moment I thought he was going after the 18 wheeler for slamming his brakes, and I started thinking about how I would get out of his way so he could do his thing, but then he gestured for ME to pull over!!! I was very confused, but compliant, and miraculously my window was working.
To spare you the boring details, the trooper basically stated that he clocked me going 88 mph in a 65 mph zone. Ironically, I had a 70 MPH sign staring at me from about five feet away. Also ironically, 88MPH is the exact speed that the Delorean must go to activate it's time travelling features. F**k Marty Mc Fly's unruly children, if I could go back to the future I'd be sure to be driving a cool 45 MPH through the entire county of Augusta.
It gets better. In Virginia, driving over 80 MPH is a class three misdemeanor, with some pretty hefty penalties. I repeat, any speed over 80MPH, or driving 20MPH over the limit is considered reckless driving. So, I have TWO counts of reckless driving. A reckless driving conviction could result in (among other penalties) up to ONE YEAR PRISON TIME! WTF?!? Dude, in NY people show up to court, get their speeding tickets reduced to a faulty brake light, pay the $50 fine and live to drive 90mph the next day with a free and clear driving record. My ex boyfriend walked away scott free form driving 95 in a 55, but the south sucks, and now I need to keep my squeaky clean ass from obtaining a criminal record, and at the time all the good lawyers were either dead or defending Casey Anderson.
I also found out that all jails in Virginia are like maximum security prisons. There's no such thing as a pretty girl prison in the commonwealth of Virginia. So, Joran Van Der Sloot is gonna walk, and Martha Stewart got reduced to wearing an anklet that she decoupaged, Lindsay Lohan threw a party, and Khloe Kardashian was too chunky for prison, but I'M gonna be spending life on the rock for something I didn't even do? JAIL, MINIONS!!!
And if my life wasn't ironic enough, my court date is July 5Th. So, I could be sentenced to prison the very next day after independence day? You better believe I am going to party my ass off that weekend. Unless aliens invade the earth. Then I'd motion for a continuance so I can join the army. That's gotta get me time off for good behavior.
Now, this is the part I'm sure you've all been scratcing your heads about. Remember what I said before? That my car hates me and won't drive above 80MPH. Yeah, that. Not only that, but the truck in front of me slammed on their brakes, causing me to slow down. So I'm supposed to believe that my car--the one that physically CAN NOT go above 80MPH SLOWED to 88MPH? Not likely. I do have papers from Volkswagen stating that I have this problem with my car, but it's my understanding that even if Jerry Gallo were defending me, it wouldn't matter. Radar gun wins.
So basically, I'm pretty much at the mercy of the jury. It makes me feel kinda important, and squishy inside that some asshole is getting a jury duty notice right now for MY case, but at least I now have a purpose in life.
Now, I strongly feel that this unfortunate incident has not yet reached maximum ridiculousness, so I invite you all to write strongly worded letters to your state senator, start a petition, and protest during my trial. Which leads me to my next minion challenge;
What should my tag line be? OJ had "if the glove don't fit, you must acquit" and "the juice is loose" so mine has to be of equal caliber for an equally heinous crime. The winner gets to display their tag line on my picket signs during the media coverage of my trial. So have at it minions....GOOD LUCK!!
**UPDATE Minions, once again justice hath prevailed. My trial came and went, and ironically, Casey Anthony and I were proclaimed "not guilty" on the same day. But I still want a tag line!!!! You know, just in case it happens again.